Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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