I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
How naked do you want me to be?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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