i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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