So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's shark week go big or go home
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
