i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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