You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
