Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
