i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
