Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
