I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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