well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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