my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
