If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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