I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
