I wish I could punch you in the face.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
