I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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