TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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