On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
