so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize
