I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
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