I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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