from now on my penis is your penis
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
