is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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