You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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