So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
