I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
