I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
