you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
