My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
