did you get engaged???
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
