my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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