Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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