My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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