woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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