i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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