As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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