Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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