It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
