On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
