The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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