My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
