I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
