1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
