You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Can you bring me the toilet please
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
