Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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