We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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