In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
