She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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