Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
