the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
