i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
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My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
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I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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