I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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