So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
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Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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