since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
